Playing a Wildcard
by vansen58
Summary: Unrelated short stories and drabbles about the 58th. Each chapter is a stand-alone fic. So far, all Vansen/West. Number 4: "Nathan didn't need to be taken care of. He didn't need her. He was in control."
1. War changes

_I have a bunch of scenes for S:AAB in my head that do not make fics in themselves. So, I decided to do the same thing I did with my SPN random stuff and group them all together._

_Here you will (in the future) find snippets, short stories and other small things. Each will have it's own warning, ratings and (when it's the case) pairings. One will not necessarily be connected to the other._

_This one is months post-finale, Vansen has returned and what's left of the 58 is on Earth, but not together. _

_Vansen/West but not really. (Sorry, I'll warn you I'm a fan of this pairing and I there aren't enough fics about them.)_

**1 - War changes**

He has to knock six times before she answers.

It was a bitch to track her down, too. He knew she was serving at Loxley, but discovered she wasn't staying in the base. Her sisters didn't know where she lived. Cooper didn't either. McQueen possibly did, but Nathan didn't want to ask him. He didn't want the colonel to know there was anything wrong with them. The man's life was turned upside down already, Nathan didn't want to add to it.

He tried to bribe the sergeant in charge of housing, but the boy knew nothing. So, Nathan had resorted to what had to be the one of the lowest points of his life: he followed her from the base until the out of town motel where she was apparently staying. Like a stalker.

That's why he knew she was there, so he insisted.

When she finally opened the door, it was with a risp "What?" before she even got a look out. When she did, she made a face. Nathan's gut churned. They were best friends once. He never thought Shane Vansen would look at him disgusted. Not ever.

She repeated the "What?" not missing a beat.

"You're a hard one to track down,"

She stared at him. Not amused. So, no small talk then.

"You're not going to invite me in?"

"No."

That hurt. "Shane…""

What, West? What?"

West. Not Nathan. West.

"I just wanted to check up on you."

"I'm fine", she motioned to close the door and he put his hand on it to stop it.

"Why are you doing this?"

"This what? You wanted to check up, you have."

"God…"

She crosses her hands in front of her chest and he can't believe this. This is not how he hoped things would go.

"You know what I'm talking about it, _Shane_".

Shane. Deliberate. Not Vansen. Shane.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, _West_."

"You are avoiding me". She snorts.

"I'm busy. In case you haven't noticed it, there's a war on."

"Bullshit. You've been avoiding me since I told you how I feel…"

She rolls her eyes. "Oh, Jesus Christ…"

"What?", he's beginning to lose his temper.

"What, Shane? Aren't you? Because you stormed out and I never saw you again. It's been weeks. You don't call, you don't answer my calls. I saw you at the base and you pretended not to see me."

"You're going insane, West. I haven't called because I'm busy. I have a squadron to run. I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt…"

"Oh, please, Shane…."

"I don't know what you want from me, West."

"I want to know how you feel", he barks. Temper gone.

She's taken aback for one second, before she composes herself. Looks him straight in the eye. "I don't feel the same. I'm sorry."

Bullshit. It's bullshit and Nathan knows. He knows her. He knows all her tells. So he steps forward, in her space, inches from her face. "Yes, you do", he whispers.

He doesn't know what he's expecting. Her to swoon? For the closeness to be enough to make her confess her feelings, the feelings he knows she has? What he gets, though, is Captain Shane Vansen in marine mode. Shoulders squared, eyes hard and cold, words paused. "Step. Away. From. Me." He's seen this look, but never directed at him. This is Captain Shane Vansen, ready to attack.

He steps back, sits on the rail of the room's small porch. Not angry anymore. Just… hurt, maybe.

She sees the pain in his face and somewhere, deep there, is still the Shane that cares about him. She flashes for a second. "I'm sorry." Let's out a breath. "Why aren't you with Kylen, West?"

He shakes his head. God. Is this what the problem is?

"I don't want to be with Kylen."

The Shane that cares about him disappears in a heartbeat and pissed-off Captain Vansen is back. "You did, before. For months, she was your entire existence. You went AWOL for her. Almost got us all court martialed for her. More than once I had to drag you back to the ISSCV kicking and screaming because you though you were near her. Now you have her, West. Go and get her", she barks. And that? That's sounds like an order.

Well, she's not his honcho anymore.

He raises his head and his voice. "I changed, Shane. What the hell do you want from me? I changed. She changed. War changes people. Jesus…", he breathes out. "I loved her but now I…"

Shane cuts him, matching his shouting again. "You didn't love her."

He stares at her. She lowers her voice. "You didn't. You never loved her. And you don't love _me_. What you love is what you can't have, Nathan. You love the challenge, you love the desperation and you love the purpose that it gives you. She was a POW and you went insane and mistook that feeling for love. Then _I _was a POW and you started doing the same to me", she pauses. A beat. "I wonder what would happen if the Chigs got Hawkes…," she smiles. She actually smiles. Mocking him.

Nathan is stunned. She's staring at him. Cold. Hard. Inflexible.

His shoulders slump.

"When did you become so mean?", he whispers.

"War changes people, I heard."

She closes the door.


	2. His hands

**His hands**

Memories from Demios have a dream like quality. The exhaustion and the hunger put her in a drunk-like state. Some things Shane's sure aren't even real, never took place. Others she knows happened. All of them muddled through. She knows they spent three months there. She can't, for the life of her, remember more than a week.

The memories, real and not real, come in flashes. The radio. The funerals. Rescuing Phousse from a Chig patrol. Drowning. Cooper's angry eyes. The 58 eating dirt. Nathan's mouth on her neck. Patching Paul's legs. Shivering in her sleep. Nathan's hands fumbling through her clothes. Cooper punching Paul. Eating grass. Phousse crying. Nathan's release. Hunger. Cooper, Paul and Vanessa leaving. Nathan never taking a stand, interrupted by the lights in the sky. The colonel's smile, full and healthy. The ride home.

She feels Nathan's hands in her sleep, invading her nightmares, soothing, caring. She should feel bad about it, but doesn't. Good dreams are a luxury she rarely gets to indulge.

She remembers falling through the planet's atmosphere, hearing Nathan on her earpiece. Phousse passed out beside her. Take her home, she told him. Shane was okay with dying.

Two seconds after she closes her eyes, she wakes up in a hospital bed. Cooper is sleeping on a chair at her right. Nathan is at her left. She's alive. She doesn't know how. Phousse is dead. She doesn't know why.

She blinks. Blacks out. Comes back. A few hours later, maybe days, maybe minutes, the doctor comes, asks Nathan and Cooper to clear out. They don't want to. They want to know, whatever it is. They are afraid she's dying. They want to be there. The doctor says it's private. Shane says they can stay. No secrets among the 58, she says. She doesn't want to find out she's dying alone, she thinks.

She's not dying.

She's pregnant.

Cooper looks at the doctor as if he's just said Shane's a unicorn.

The color drains from Nathan's face. His eyes are round, his sight unfocused when he looks at her. His mouth on her neck flashes in her mind.

It was real. It was _real_.

They stand there in silence for long seconds. Maybe hours. Maybe days. The doctor excuses himself. Suggests Cooper leaves too. Cooper doesn't. Shane doesn't ask him too. Nathan storms out.

Shane feels nothing.

When she wakes again, he's there. Staring at her. Maybe he woke her with the power of his stare. His eyes fall when she looks at him. He whispers . "I wasn't sure that was real…"

She smiles, a tired sad smile that takes too long to stretch out as if her muscles forgot how to move that way. "Me either".

Nathan starts sobbing. Out of the blue. He reaches forward, buries his face on her neck and cries, cries, cries. She should be crying too, maybe. She feels too exhausted to cry.

He stops crying as suddenly as he started. Puts his hand behind her neck, turns her face against his and stares at her with red rimmed eyes. When he speaks, it's softly, less than a whisper.

"I could have lost you both."

Shane thinks he means her and Kylen and isn't that a very Nathan thing to say when she notices his hand on her belly. He means her and the baby. Oh. Oh. Right. There's a baby there now.

They transfer her to Earth and two weeks after she's settled, he shows up at her doorstep. Went to hell and high-water to make sure they found him a spot in one of the Earth based squadrons. Always so bullheaded. Shane knows why they transferred him. Boss Ross knows he would go AWOL again. Everyone knows. Better let him have it his way.

She doesn't want him to stay, she doesn't want him to go, so she just doesn't say anything. He settles himself at her apartment and talks his way through her day. She's silent and he's filling the world with noise. She should ask him what he wants from her. She should ask him about Kylen. She should kick him out when she finds him sleeping on her couch. She should tell him she doesn't want any of this. She doesn't want a Marine father to her child. She doesn't want her kid to live through what she had. She doesn't want a dead father to her child. She wants the war to end, now. She wants him to leave. Leave her, leave the Marines, just leave. She doesn't say anything and he stays.

When he starts talking about baby names, she stops him. Not Vanessa. No. Her baby can't remind her of death. And she cries. She cries for the first time in months, for the first time since Demios. She cries and Nathan's hands are there, soothing, caring.

She cries again when Julie is born. And again when Cooper holds the baby with Nathan's help and looks at Shane with fascination and confusion in his eyes. "What does that mean? A godfather?".

"Means you're family", Nathan explains and right there, right then, she thinks she loves him after all.

Nathan kisses the top of her head.

His hands are there.

They never leave.


	3. Not awkward at all

_(A lighter fare. Missing scene from the River of Stars. Can be taken as AU if you so choose.)_

**Still his best friend**

Nathan plays like it is because she got him a gift and he is giving one back. It really isn't, but it gives him an excuse to explain away why he got her a gift and no one else. Because "Mank was selling it weeks ago and it made me think of you and, really, you are kinda my only real friend around here" is true enough, but he feels like a loser even thinking it.

Shane actually doesn't ask anything about it, she just… lights up for a second - and if he didn't have fighter pilot reflexes he would not have seen it. She really is into this whole Christmas thing and a part of him chuckles inside his head. Hardened, tough as nails Shane Vansen lights up like a five year old in from of a Christmas present. It's cute.

"It's nothing, really. No big deal. Don't get any expectations."

It isn't, really. It's this poor excuse for a necklace, made of steel most likely, painted silver, barely a junk. But it has this small diamond-shaped pendant and he had to get it.

"For the Queen of Diamonds", he chuckles and shrugs when she opens it and lights up again, for longer now. She lounges herself at him and hugs him. He almost trips on the bench and has to support himself on Wang's locker. She turns around and he moves her hair to help her put it on.

"How did you get this?," she asks, like he's given her a real diamond.

"I'm very resourceful", he jokes away.

She turns back towards him and stops kinda midway, like mulling something over in her head. "I shouldn't take this", she says, bites her lip. "I got you socks."

He laughs, because it's stupid. The socks probably cost more than the necklace and are certainly more useful. "Hey, don't knock my socks, they kept me from freezing to death over there. I love my socks."

She rolls her eyes, but takes it and fiddles with the pendant between her fingers. When was the last time she even got a present from anyone?, he wonders.

"Thank you, Nathan." She smiles, big and full and if she smiled like this every day, they could all survive this war, he's sure of it. He wonders if Mank can get a daily supply of cheap steel jewelry aboard.

He shrugs and smiles. "Merry Christmas, Shane".

And he kisses her.

It wasn't supposed to be a kiss. It wasn't. Nathan knows it, because Nathan does not think of Shane that way. He doesn't. Shane is his friend, his only, only friend. His best friend. He loves Kylen. Kylen alone. Kylen is everything and he loves her and he didn't mean to really kiss Shane, not for real. No.

It was supposed to be a peck on her lips, a second, just that. Friendly. Innocent. Friendly.

But Shane's caught off guard and her breathing stammers and an unconscious, primal part of Nathan's brain short-circuits with the sound and the feeling of her lips parting and it's been _so long_ and he presses it.

She doesn't do anything for a few seconds, but then, slowly, her lips begin to move. Too slowly, like she's not really there, like she's indulging him. He knows her eyes are open even if his are closed.

He opens his eyes and hers are wide, deer in the headlights, frozen in place. His breathing is way, way, way faster than it should be. Way faster than he planned. Way faster than what can be explained away by a friendly peck on the lips gone wrong.

And then, the darnest thing ever. She kisses _him_. And there's nothing friendly about it, no, not at all. She kisses him and he's pretty sure he's never been kissed like that because she feels hungry and he's sure no girl from his home town has ever been this hungry ever.

His arms find their way across her waist and he presses himself against her. His brain has left the building and some other part of him has taken over, the part that reacts on adrenaline, that knows where to dodge without looking, that kills Chigs, that is the best pilot on the ship after McQueen. The part of him that is a Wildcard.

Her hands find their way under his shirt, untuck and push. They are going to have to re-iron their dress shirts and they are going to be late to the Christmas party the rest of the 58th are already attending but he pushes his hand under her shirt and cups her breast and she moans. She moans and all Nathan wants is to make her do that sound _again_.

They find their way across the room and all but fall on her bunk. Shane has the presence of mind to close the drapes, the ones Nathan forgot were there because no one in the 58th ever uses them.

He makes her do that sound again. And again. And other sounds that are even better.

When it's over, he's on top of her and for the briefest of seconds he fears "oh God, this is going to be so awkward". But she's laughing. Giggling actually and Shane Vansen never giggles.

"That was a gooood Christmas present, Nathan, thank you", she smiles.

He lies beside her, nibbles at her bottom lip and sing-songs. "Oh, if every day was like Christmas…"

She laughs out loud and that's another sound he'd like to hear more often.

"We're late, come on", she jumps out of her bunk and starts collecting her clothes.

He's lazier , gets only to sitting on the edge of the mattress, half spent, half amazed with the fact that _that_ wasn't' awkward. Not really. Not at all.

Shane offers her hand to push him out of the bunk. He takes it, pulls her over and, now, he gives the peck on her lips that was his original intention.

She smiles.

Still his best friend.

"Let's go, Santa."


	4. In Charge

_A.N.: Ok, so apparently this had become a Vansen/West one shot series, but this one was written with more friendship than actual shipping in mind. _

**In charge**

She was always in charge.

Long before her parents were killed. Military life, they were never around. Anne and Lauren were always fighting, always getting into trouble. She was in charge. It was her job. Take care of her little sisters. Make sure they were fed, make sure they were dressed, make sure they were clean.

Make sure they were safe.

_"Shane, take care of them. Remember how I told you?"_

Mom didn't even had to ask. It was always her job. The most important thing.

The 58th weren't kids, but they were family. She was still in charge. Military life. They were always fighting, always getting into trouble. She was in charge. It was her duty. Take care of her team. Make sure they had chow, make sure they got their uniforms, make sure they were sharp.

Make sure they were safe.

_"You're honcho."_

McQueen didn't even have to order. It was always her duty. The most important thing.

Family.

Anne. Lauren. The 5-8.

She couldn't lose control. She couldn't let go.

But she did. And it wasn't until she did that she realized Nathan... was different.

Nathan didn't need to be taken care of. He didn't need her. He was in control.

When she did lose control, when she let a lifetime of night terrors take hold of her while awake, in a hallway on the dark side of the Sun, he got it for her.

Took one look, half a second, a blink, and took charge from her.

Gathered the team, organized them, ordered them.

Made sure they were safe.

Made sure Shane could breath.

For a minute, for a full minute, she wasn't in charge. She was free not to be in control.

Shane could breath.

Nathan got her breathing, got the oxygen on the facility flowing, got her a moment to gather herself. Got her standing.

Nathan didn't need her and Nathan was in control for as long as she needed to get hers back.

Two years later, one of them in Hell, she stands in a tarmac on an airbase God knows where. There is fanfare, there is press, there are people. To receive the returned POW, the returned hero, the returned Marine.

She doesn't feel like a hero. She barely feels like a Marine.

She does feel like a POW.

They are there. Anne. Lauren. Cooper. Nathan.

She can't look at them.

They stand there, awkward. Waiting for her. Waiting for her to make the first move. Always waiting for her to make the first move.

Anne and Lauren are crying. Red faces, rimmed eyes. Holding hands. Shaking.

They need consolation. They need reassurance.

They need her.

Cooper looks lost. Staring at her, wide eyes.

He needs explanations. He needs guidance.

He needs her.

Nathan is standing. Just there. Watching her.

Not needing her.

She walks towards him. One step. Another.

He meets her halfway.

Holds her, puts his hands on her back, supports her weight and she lets herself sink.

For one moment. One second.

_"I got you. You're safe."_

He takes charge.

Shane can breath.


End file.
